The Four Morons of the Apocalypse

The Four Morons of the Apocalypse

The world of preparedness is as vast as the dangers that we all prepare for. Supplies, tools, food, water, solar, gardens, chickens, livestock, canning, knitting, reading, planning, welding, hunting, fishing…dot, dot, dot, etc…There are so many things to do, learn, and stock up on to prepare yourself and your family. Just what are you preparing for? Wildfire, tornado, hurricane, financial collapse, political or civil unrest, EMP, CME…SOL PDQ… sometimes the whole prospect seems overwhelming. It’s best to take a step back, take a breath, and make a well rounded plan that takes several possibilities and incorporates them. Take the whole thing in manageable bites. I suggest starting with an evacuation plan. Remember, preparedness is not a sprint, preparing is a marathon. It even has mile markers! 
Today’s article is a warning to those starting out or just getting established. Those who are well on their way down the wrong road are harder to turn around. 
Here is your warning

Don’t get stuck in one area of prepping! 

We’re going to use 4 common stereotypes of people as object lessons. We’ll refer to them as:

The Four Morons of the Apocalypse. 

I’ll introduce you to the cast of characters as we go. 
-The Gear Junkie (aka Mall Ninja)

You’ve seen him. You know you have. This guy goes to Walmart wearing 1/2 of a combat loadout just to grab a carton of smokes. He’s got Blackhawk pants and his Zombie Team hat. He wears 5.11 shooting glasses just to take a leak. His Merrell tactical boots, “are the same ones the Delta guys wear”. If you stumble across him at the range (a rare sighting, indeed), you can’t miss him…he’s the one with the 37 pound AR-15. 


It’s got gadgets and gizmos, a plenty. It’s got more whoseits and whatsits than the Little Mermaid (I have daughters…don’t judge). Now, none of that stuff is bad by itself. You need some good gear. You need quality equipment. Cargo pants with handy pockets to help carry your EDC gear are great. Good boots are priceless. Especially if you can’t just run to the nearest 5.11 shop to pick up a new set of side zips. Good shooting glasses and ear protection are also essential. The problem is, gear isn’t really a plan. It’s part of a plan. It just can’t be your only plan. That’s like no plan at all! This guy has a, “plan”. He plans on taking what others have. He plans on doing that at gunpoint. That’s not a plan! That’s like Russian Roulette… sure it’ll work a few times but eventually you’re gonna land on a loaded chamber and catch lead from one of your intended victims. Don’t be the Gear Junkie…he’s dead. 
-Now let’s introduce you to everyone’s other favorite Prepper…
The FOOOOOOOD DUUUUUUUDE!


No offense ladies. I just couldn’t come up with a catchy name for “stocked pantry gals”. This is the guy who has 40 food rotation racks in his garage and no room for tools…let alone a car. Not that converting parking space into food storage is bad but this guy has foregone every other aspect of prepping to make space for ACRES of canned foods, myriads of Mylar packed meals, buckets of wheat, buckets of rice, buckets of beans…he’s even got a bucket full of buckets! Ever wonder if he knows how to bake bread from that wheat? Can he even bake if the grid goes down? A Solar Oven would serve him well if only he had left space to keep one. He even converted his kitchen cabinets with can rotation units. With all that food, I wonder if he has one for his toilet paper? Heck, I wonder if he even stocked any extra toilet paper?!? Maybe it’s in that garage attic somewhere. Speaking of which, here is another problem he’s going to run into; he never considered the major temperature fluctuations of his garage. That metal door sits facing the full glory of the August sun. His garage goes from 30° in the winter to 100° in the summer. Like the article about the enemies of food storage says, That’s not gonna be good for those bushels of buckets. Food Dude’s problems don’t stop there. Oh no! He’s got more trouble ahead. You see, Food Dude doesn’t have a plan to replenish his stores. He has no garden. He has no coop. Just like going to the store, what’s on the shelves is all he has. He also has no security plan. You know what that means? Yeah, Gear Junkie is gonna steal his food. Gear Junkie can be a jerk like that. They say, “He’s ok, once you get to know him”. You know what that means? It means, “He’s a jerk but you get used to it”. Poor Food Dude. Should have never told Gear Junkie about all those buckets of buckets. But hey, that’s part of the security plan he didn’t have; keeping your mouth shut. It really is part of the plan. Don’t be the Food Dude…he’s dead

-Ahhh…the Prepper fairytale of,

“The Witless Woodsman”


We’ve all heard the hapless tale of the Witless Woodsman. You’ve seen him on TV! You’ve read about him in magazines. You’ve seen the articles he’s written on his blog. You’ve heard him at Starbucks. Yep…you might know him better by his catch phase, “When it hits the fan, I’m gonna go live in the woods”. He’s easy to spot in the wild. He’s like an Abercrombie Super Hero in a flannel cape. You can smell his beard balm over the sweet scent of his Starbucks Smoked Butterscotch Latte. The Levi’s 510 skinny jeans match his Doc Marten boots. Now, the good news is, his boots are really well made and those Levi’s, while not good for his future chances of procreation, are durable and of solid construction. The bad news is, he’s a hipster. He has no weapons for hunting


no knowledge for gathering, and no skills for survival. He might have learned how to tie a knot when he was a Boy Scout but he was only there for one meeting. Turns out, there was a chance he might get dirt under his fingernails. Bummer, if he’d have waited another week they were going to cover various methods of starting a fire. Poor Witless Woodsman. He’s gonna be very cold without shelter. He’s gonna be pretty hungry without food. Imagine how elated he will be when EVERYONE else (with no skills) shows up to “live in the woods”! I wonder which one of the the “rules of 3” will get him first? 

3 minutes without air

3 hours without shelter

3 days without water

3 weeks without food…
Your guess is as good as mine. I guess it will depend on when and where he is when the SHTF. Minnesota in January? I’m guessing the 3 hours without shelter. 

It’s a shame he didn’t know how poorly his fancy lighter works in extreme cold. He couldn’t even light his fake Cuban cigar. Too bad he didn’t have a solar unit to charge his Vape. He could have used the battery and a gum wrapper to start a fire. Now he has frozen to death in the land of 10,000 lakes. 

Don’t be the Witless Woodsman…he’s dead. 

-Our last cast member isn’t necessarily a “Prepper” by definition but they are definitely known for their incomplete preparedness plans and they are a large number of those in society. 
Introducing:

The Nanny-State Numbskull…

Oh yes, the Nanny-State Numbskull is undoubtedly the most common variety of “Prepper” who thinks that their plan is all they will need in a disaster. What we know is that they are a little short in THIS department or they would know that there are a limited amount of resources and supplies being handed out by a limited number of people. So, what happens when those who are supposed to be helping the Nanny-State Numbskull are too busy barely surviving on their own! Oh sure, the Nanny-State Numbskull has some supplies… they have a pantry full of seaweed snacks and some gluten-free, free range, hand spun, dye free, Quinoa pasta that they can put in their Instant-Pot but what happens when that runs out? What happens if there is no power to run that amazing, time saving, pressure cooking wonder? You can only survive so long on Hummus and Vegi-Straws. You know what I can’t figure out? Why do so few people like Chickpeas/Garbanzos but so many like Hummus?…but I digress. The Nanny-State Numbskull only has enough to last a week, anyway. They will languish weakly with the ever present hope that the FEMA angels will come riding magic cornucopias of organic, vegan MREs. Imagine how quick their disdain for heartless carnivores will wane in the anguish of starvation. How delighted will they be if offered a Meal Ready To Eat of Spaghetti with meat sauce or Chicken with noodles? The very harsh reality is that FEMA can’t help them because they will be overwhelmed with millions of city dwellers. Too bad the Nanny-State Numbskull bought that tiny house on wheels and moved out to the mountains and with the grid down, there’s no way for them to charge their Tesla Model S. If only those pesky solar panels weren’t so huge they might have sprung for the whole off grid system. Really, who lives in a tiny house with a 1/2 acre of solar panels next to it. Alas, the Nanny-State Numbskull had no way to get to the city for rations and there was no space in their tiny house to store food. Don’t be the Nanny-State Numbskull…he’s dead. 

So, I don’t want anyone to be upset by these silly descriptions of some of our fellow Preppers. I just want this to serve as a warning to be sure that your preparedness plan is well thought out, well rounded, and well protected. Most importantly, HAVE A PLAN! 

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